Friday, February 17, 2012

Needful Things

My brain is of the sort that is very happy -- happiest, really -- when it is very focused. My brain loves to have a "special interest" in which to deeply dive.  Deeply.  Like, to the point that it's really all I want to think about, talk about...ask Marcy.

It can be rather...exhausting to live with a brain like mine but it is also a brain of excitement and passion which can be infectious.

My special interests have been pretty consistent over my life.  From the time I was little, I was dancing and asking questions about God.

Severe depression took me off this trajectory but now I am back.

Since October, though, God has fallen off my brain's radar as I focused everything on opening my studio and trying to figure out how to do the best I can at that.

Brain is not happy with this sitch.

Yet even thinking about trying to fit in God (and this sounds utterly ridiculous but alas...) seems impossible.

My schedule is so full -- where the heck is there room for anything else much less something quite so large as the God thing!?

Well, I have, it seems, hit some sort of breaking point.

Two nights in a row I have had long and detailed and aching dreams of Mass.  Aching in that needing way.

So I went.  To Mass.

And my brain was still, all through it, freaking out over the idea of fitting one more thing in -- to brain, to life, to days, to hours.

But I also started to think about how tired I get from teaching and how the thing that is missing is this...this refilling of my soul.

My soul has grown needful.

I am good for no one from such a needful place.

It turns out that my brain and my soul have good timing -- lent begins next Wednesday.  As you may know, 40 days of desert time is not something unique to Catholicism or Christianity.  40 days is a classic length of time to delve into spirit and needs.

What might you be needing and how might you explore getting it?