Thursday, August 9, 2012

Because because because because...

In the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man is on his way to the Emerald City in hopes of getting a heart, which he thinks he lacks.

The irony, of course, is that the Tin Man is the most emotional and tender hearted of all the characters, but he still thinks he needs someone else to provide him with what he already has (the case with all the characters, including Dorothy).

Whenever I go away to Kripalu and especially when I spend time with my mentor, Megha, I am reminded of the heart that I sometimes think I lack.

Some of you are right now saying, "WHAT?!"

I get very caught up in the day to day details of teaching and running a studio.  I immerse myself in the work of this physical body.  I tease people about woo woo...because I fear being too vulnerable to woo woo and being made a fool of.

Turns out that is a very Aspie thing indeed as we are often/always concerned that we are "missing something" or not understanding something or being made fun of by just about all the NTs who surround us.  Even when Marcy teases me, I most often don't get it, and then she sweetly says, "I am holding up my Teasing Sign!"

I get to the point in my day to day life where I think maybe I am just not that emotional (HA!), maybe I am not soft like so many around me, maybe I don't have that mechanism (this is all quite amusing if you know me at all in person).

Above all, in my desire to "simplify" and "focus," I most definitely get to the point where I think I have NO NEED of these soft and light things.

I get like that Tin Man -- I really do think I don't have the heart that others have.

Then I go to Kripalu, my little Emerald City in the Berkshires, and my lovely, loving Megha reminds me of me, of my heart, of the soft that is inside this very serious animal.

Above all the other reasons for going there, I think this one is primary.

Megha and the women with whom I learn and dance...they all remind me that I had that heart all along. They remind me to care for my heart.  They remind me that love is what I am made of.

They remind me...YES...they remind me that I have long ago decided that I would rather be seen as silly and vulnerable and HAPPY with the other woo woo loving freaks (said with LOVE) than to be taken seriously with those grouchy, pessimistic non-believer "academic" sorts.

And that glitter card in the photo above?  That was given to me right before I left by the girls I teach at a live-in high school for teens who have had a hard time.  We had just finished our first six-week session together.  With the glitter and the Dr. Seuss words and the thank you's inside, they were certainly prepping me for my week of heart-care.