Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My Lazy Story

Dancing appears glamorous, easy, delightful. But the path to paradise of the achievement is not easier than any other. There is fatigue so great that the body cries, even in its sleep. There are times of complete frustration, there are daily small deaths.  --Martha Graham

Martha was most definitely a girl on fire, as was Our Lady of Guadalupe, and both of them are in my studio in different ways, both of them -- in different ways -- brought me to my here and now.

Both of them were with me, as always, during my recent (5th!) visit to Kripalu.

I am trying to hold both of them and their wisdom in my mind and heart as I continue to work through the biggest thing (after the heart stuff) that came up for me during my time away:

My persistent belief that I am lazy, that I never do enough, that my energy
will never be enough to do the things I want, need, have to do.

Yep.  You read all of that right.


I got to go to a noon dance class at Kripalu with Toni, the amazing woman behind JourneyDance.

She is a true shaman and her approach is earthy, down in the dirt, real.

At one point, she had us dancing out an old story, and I, of course, was dancing like a Wild Maniac dealing with this story of "low energy."  (Notice the paradox in that sentence...)

Then she... of course, who wouldn't... during the next piece of music had us dance in our new story.

Guess what mine was.  Go ahead.  Guess.

Yes.  My "new" story was that I have all the energy I need.

No.  This is not some pansy way of saying that my perceived low energy is "enough" and "just right."

God forbid.

This is me saying that I am some heretofore unknown creature, a SuperHero really, ENERGY GIRL...NEVER RUNS OUT OF ENERGY!  DEFIES ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS!  HAS INFINITE STORES!

You get it.

Yep. Instead of letting go of a very unhelpful story, I SIMPLY MADE IT BIGGER!  MORE unhelpful than EVER BEFORE.

This is my brain.

On crack, apparently.

Even Martha Graham says that dance will wear you to the freaking bone, people.

Even, you know, the God of the Old Testament TOOK SUNDAY OFF!

Not me.

I am better than that.

I have more to do.

I make fun.  It's fun to make fun of me.  But this is a serious problem.

That I am still working on...