Tuesday, November 20, 2012

And Now We Are 44

Today I turn 44.

On Saturday, I had a wonderful local yoga teacher come to the studio and teach a workshop on inversions. Her main goal was to get us into supported handstand.

I took the workshop.

I hate being over my head.

Hate it.

I was not one of those children somersaulting down a hill or doing cartwheels on the playground.

Bring those things up to me and I start sputtering, talking fast, trying to escape with words even the mere suggestion that you might ask me to do something that entails my head being below my ass.

It was only last Fall that I pushed myself up into wheel pose.  It happened rather accidentally.  I would not approach that pose on purpose, for god's sake.

But this is my life now...not avoiding the Fear Monsters but rather going at them with bayonets, machetes, maces...you get the idea.  I like my Fear Monsters running away from me or bloodied from battle.

I felt good on Saturday.  When I felt some resistance to what was being asked of us, I told myself to imagine that I were in a dance rehearsal and these were just parts of some choreography.

Ask me to DANCE anything and I will just do it.

So I just did it.

I even FLOATED up and down the wall in the pose in the picture above and LOVED it.  Was giddy with my love.  Was utterly taken aback by my love.

And then the HOPPING toward the wall began and I kinda fell apart.

I was about 8 years old again and there was no effing way anyway was convincing me that it was okay to be up on that wall with my head dangling between my arms.

"My head feels like it is free floating through space. I HATE IT."

I was almost to the point of stomping my feet.

So a student of mine placed her hand on the top of my head as it dangled and it no longer felt so capable of escape.

And the teacher grabbed my freaking legs as they approached the wall and held those mothers up there.

And guess what?!


I did not like the feeling of it.

I wanted down.

I would not go back up.

Once was enough.

And it might be enough forEVER.

And that is okay.  I did it.  Once.  Thank you.

Sometimes we meet our limit and we say, okay, I see you. There you are. Gonna respect you. Walking away now...

As long as we don't decide that until we give it a go.  Whatever "it" is.

Besides just because I didn't like handstand doesn't mean I can ever again say that I HATE INVERSIONS.  Because I found a few I loved.

This is the point of experimenting.

As I turn 44 today, I am wondering what I might explore next.

And here are a few fears I would like to finally squash over the coming months:

  • I will create choreography that I will share publicly. 

  • I will create videos of myself dancing that I will share publicly.  You can see a theme here...

  • I will become more visible with my work.

  • I will go with Marcy to rock climbing school. I don't technically fear rock climbing as long as the rocks are not too...TALL because I DO fear heights so this is a big deal.

As the months go by, I'm sure more opportunities for Monster slaying will arise, as they always do. I had no idea, mere months ago, that I would ever work with this fear of being over my head.

What Fear Monsters are lurking in your closet?