Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Body Talking Very Loudly OR A Vomiting Sort of Post

For months now, I have known but refused to fully acknowledge that I am tired. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

I just kept telling myself to keep going and that there was my little Chautauqua retreat to look forward to. A light at the end of the tunnel.

There are so many things wrong with all of that thinking, of course, including the fact that self-care is not meant to be a once in a while sort of thing or a three days every 18 months sort of thing.

My whole system was off and there was proof but I kept ignoring it.

Well, my body, who had been polite about telling me things, stopped being so damn polite just over a week ago.

Now a chronic problem that I thought I had defeated is back.

With no mercy.

There is a lot of shame in this for me. I thought I had healed. I thought I was "good" for healing.

Here's another (not so) amusing piece of the puzzle:  Right before this got really bad, I realized that I wanted to write about something specific while I was on retreat.

I wanted to write about what it is that I am actually teaching women and how I can then live in a way that more fully exemplifies my teaching.

You know...what talk am I am talkin' and how can I walk it better?

Regardless of my talk, I don't think any teacher's walk includes "don't take care of yourself."

But that has been exactly my walk.

Faster, bigger, stronger, more, more, more...

Also while on retreat, Marcy suggested I write about what I was really proud of in my life right now.

And I really couldn't think of anything.


Because once something is done, I am onto the next thing, wondering what else I can do, looking for another something to focus on.

This is partly my Aspie brian (always looking for new things to learn), but it's more the way I was raised: The way you are is not enough.

You are not enough.

A Big Confession

I think self-care is synonymous with LAZY.

Pussy. Wimp. Whiner.

I don't REALLY believe this in my heart.  Or for OTHER PEOPLE.

But I believe it in my actions and I certainly believe it for myself.

Another question that Marcy wanted me to write about: What are you not doing right now that you really want to be doing? What passions are you squelching?

She cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't she?

Because, wow, I am squelching TONS all in the name of running a studio, being a teacher, doing for others.

And I am getting bitter.

Dance is not my JOB.  Dance is my PATH.

Teaching dance is NOT my path.

DANCING is my path.  Being dance.

Making dance.

I will continue to teach because I DO love it and I am amazing at it (truth).

But my Body, very very loudly, brick-in-the-face loudly, is demanding that things change.

And I am finally listening...

And I am also apologizing.