Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Picture of YES

I wrote this on Facebook a few days ago:

"I still struggle with judging parts of my body that I don't "like," but through dance and movement, I have finally come to a place where I can see the beauty and strength of this form, the awesomeness of its abilities, the excitement of the constant evolution, and the thrill of finding new ways to challenge myself physically that are no longer about "getting thin" or looking a certain way. When we come to this place of loving acceptance, our bodies are able to express their brilliance, and with this, we often see change come naturally that we used to have to FORCE."

Almost every single woman I encounter at the studio (and in real life...) has some "issues" with their bodies.

If they are not conscious of this, you'll notice self-hate language immediately.

For years, I would make sure, for example, to tell people in a variety of ways that I knew I was "too heavy so there was no need for them to judge me for it or think they had to let me know."

This was before I got back to dancing, and I was a different body (and mind) but I was not, by any SANE means, anything but healthy.

Even when I did get back to dancing, it was a long struggle to get anywhere near healthy in regards to food and this body, and I backslid a lot, as I wrote about here.

As I wrote above, I am so much better.  So. Much. Better.

But I still struggle.

And the main way that I know I still struggle is my massive resistance to being seen via photos and video.

It is still beyond difficult to look at myself.

When I am dancing, I can easily look at myself in the mirror, but that's because I am beyond all ideas and judgments and living through my essential self.  The mirror becomes a tool, a partner in creation.

The second you point a camera at me, though, watch out.

And to show the results of the camera work publicly?!

All I can hear is criticism of my physical self and judgment about how "big headed" I must be to even think that people should look at me.

In light of all of this, part of my YES this year is about allowing myself to be seen in more and bigger ways.

The work I am doing deserves 100% commitment from me and no boundaries as to how and where it can expand.

The work I am doing deserves a vessel that is free of fear and self-hatred.

A vessel that is no longer grasping and gripping and panicking but simply and honestly and with vulnerability allowing the work to flow and grow and show through me.