I spent some time yesterday evening journaling about the dip I am in and why.
It is interesting to watch flow from your own pen the utterly illogical twists and turns of self-defeating ideas. They are exposed for idiotic in a way that merely thinking them does not accomplish.
This does not mean, of course, that you no longer believe these ideas that are haunting you. Idiotic or not, they are yours.
Right now, my current self-defeat is centered around age and time. The passing of time in that day to day way that makes even those of us doing our best, most passionate work feel as though we are on some cosmic hamster wheel.
And my thoughts around age, Jung would say, are right on schedule. In our early to mid-40s is a classic time for re-thinking, and I have been so caught up in this love affair with dance -- my long lost meant-to-be -- that I have barely had time to breathe much less to think, as I run from one training to the next, from working for others to having a studio, from thinking about choreography to finally DOING it.
I am plagued with doubt.
Plagued might be too dramatic but I am nothing if not rather dramatic so we will stick with that.
Back to journaling...writing all of this out in PINK INK, no less, as I listen to a songza channel that Marcy refers to as my "weird" music (it's ambient).
Writing all of this out and wondering and suddenly, Krishna himself emerges from that stream of pink ink. I am amused by that juxtaposition since he is blue. Yes, it takes little to amuse me.
I am amused, too, because I resist male deities. I focus on the feminine divine always so for Krishna to show up felt strange and I even, for a moment, thought to myself, "Well...maybe it could be KALI telling me this ... or Tara... or..."
Talk about ridiculous.
Furthermore, HELLO!? I am currently obsessed with all that the Bhagavad Gita can offer in terms of spiritual warriorship so is it really any wonder that Krishna would show up? Really?
Here's what Krishna had to say about my whiny age and time issues:
"None of that is your concern. What is the next right step?"
He's totally right, of course, being a God and all.
Nothing matters -- ever! -- but the next right step.
And though it sounds rather small -- a single step -- the responsibility of this is GIGANTIC.
Think about the people you know who are stuck in bad situations or even just lukewarm situations that are not making them happy or fulfilled and yet they will not take the right step.
It can feel too difficult to be held this responsible for ourselves.
But it's a gift.
It's the gift of freedom.
There is no universe or truth out there that is "teaching you lessons" or "bringing you gifts." It's just you, taking that next right step.
Then the next right step after that.
As you take each step, you are building that path, and whatever shape it takes is the form of your own actions.
You are your own teacher and student, your own lesson and learning.
The only shit that matters. (You can quote Krishna on that.)
So what is it? What is your next right step with no concern for what is to follow or success or failure or anything else? Can you take it?
Do you need our help? Because I will gladly stand behind you and give you that push or kick that you need.