Thursday, January 3, 2013

Getting What You Need

My Guru, Peony Yuki
I have this email in my inbox that I wrote to myself (a little way that I TRY to keep track of this brain). Its subject line is "Over Break."  I started the email on December 13th, knowing I would take two entire weeks off from teaching, starting December 23rd.

There are SIX "replies" in this email.  Six.  And each of them has more than one thing, some of them have a half dozen.  You do the math (I can't...it's too ridiculous).

A little background: Since I started teaching weekly movement classes, I have not taken off more than a couple of days at a time.

I used to think that my trainings were my breaks, and it took until my 7th visit to Kripalu for me to realize that is NOT the case. (I am slow...) I mean, DUH! I work harder -- physically and otherwise -- at Kripalu trainings than I do teaching my full load at home.  When I went to study with Maureen Fleming, I was dancing and doing yoga for over 8 hours of each day I was there.  On the day we performed, it all started at 6 AM and I didn't really stop until 9 PM.

You get the idea.  I have never ever thought of myself this way, but there is a wee bit of the work-aholic in me.  Ick.

BUT I love what I do and I don't care for the distinction most people make between "work" and "life" and "rest" and "play" and all of that. I think it's rather artificial and it's based in people doing work that is actually drudgery and not their soul's calling, but that is another post for another day.

Back to my email. To myself...

I had Big Ideas about What My Break Should Be.  I thought I was going to do do do a million things that have been on my mind, including but not limited to a total overhaul of this site.

All of this, of course, was on top of Holiday Expectations of Fun and Joy.

What the heck was I thinking!?

So about halfway into my first week off, the anxiety started to settle in. For the first few days, I could convince myself with the "transitioning" excuse.  I needed time to adjust to the fact that I wasn't in my normal routines (especially true of this Aspie brain).

But after a few days, that excuse was not working even with this brain.  Brain started to suspect that I was falling into some Giant Gooey Vat of Lazy.

I started to feel rather awful about this animal.

What was I DOING!?  I was cuddling animals a lot, staring at twinkle lights a lot, watching Star Trek a lot, playing around on my kindle, eating, doing a little bit of yoga, and even finally, making it to the studio and working on MY STUFF, my very own dance work.

It looked suspiciously like I was...RESTING!!!  ((horror movie scream inserted here))

But I couldn't see that.  All I could see was that email in my inbox, glaring at me with the judgment of a Puritanical bible banger and screaming things at me about idle hands and the devil and all that.

Finally a few days ago, well over halfway into my break, I was sitting in our new daybed/resting room on the cozy, piled high with cats, blankets, and books daybed.  Star Trek (yep!) was playing in the background and I was writing in my journal as I munched some cookies and drank some espresso.  Marcy was in the next room, painting and would happily bounce in for a cuddle and giggle every few minutes.

Through journaling, I finally finally finally realized that I was getting exactly the vacation I needed!  As opposed to the one I thought I "should" have.

I was getting some deep and much needed rest.  I was getting tons of cat and mammal cuddling.

On top of that, I realized that I had, in the meantime, without really noticing, solved a Very Big Problem.

I had been going to the studio to dance by myself, for myself.  I had made a huge dent in an actual piece of solo choreography.  I had, in yoga words, gotten back to my own practice and settled into some new habits/rituals/routines that will sustain me on my teaching journey.

What more could a girl ask for?