Friday, February 22, 2013

Hello, Anxiety, Old...Enemy


Just about every day of the week, I get to witness groups of women like this.  I get to guide them into experiencing their true selves. Their beautiful, radiant, powerful selves. The selves that are above and beyond any day to day problems, any depression or anxiety, any of the ICK.

I also spend much of my time dancing with them and then dancing on my own.  I have a good life, for sure.  A safe life filled with love and light and excellent work.

This does not preclude experiencing the dip once in a while.  A body and brain that has been acclimated to anxiety and depression for most of its life, starting very young (I remember feeling deep, dark sad at the age of not-yet-4 and naming that sad by the time I was 9)...that body and brain is prone then to relapses. It makes sense.

It makes sense, but every time, I am surprised.

I look around at those rooms full of women whom I have managed to bring together into this experience (and how did I do this? it continues to amaze me) and I think, "But this shouldn't happen to me...I shouldn't feel like this...look at all this goodness..."

The "shouldn't" is a huge part of the problem.

First, all humans have down times. It's natural.

Second, some of us have had to work really superhero hard to build on the resilience that kept us going all along.

And third (drum roll), as I have said a million times and will say many more millions of times to others and to myself, for some of us (for all of us, really), the work does not ever end. There is no "I got better" but a continuous "getting better all the time."

Life is not some magical, sparkling happy place out there that we get to if we work hard enough (or are "good enough").

Life is the work.

And sometimes there is more ache with that work; other times it comes a bit more easily, but it's always there.

Again, this is personal responsibility to the MAX.  Most days, that elevates me. Some days, it just pisses me off.

All days, it is the reality of this existence.