Friday, June 21, 2013

Five Year Plans Can Bite Me or How I Almost Murdered My Passion with Obligation


This photo is about 5 years old. (And lately I am missing that hair though it weighed about a hundred pounds.)

Five years.

Five years since I rediscovered my passion for dance and felt like I was handed my life back.

Five years since I got my mind and heart back from the snarling clenched teeth of depression and anxiety.

Five years.

There was no plan.

Except to dance. Every single day. And then dance some more.

I danced because I had to. I danced because my life literally depended upon it. I danced to dance and for nothing more.

I went to my first training at Kripalu thanks to the courage that dancing injected into my always-afraid-of-everything self.

And then...something happened.  I went to another training.  I started to teach. I looked for more credentials. And then more. I wondered what was next. I got a studio. I kept going. Always looking ahead, always planning or looking for plans, always assuming there had to be more.

I went from dancing because I had to, because it was my passion, because it was my life...to barely dancing ever just for myself.

I went from dancing to walking/running/gasping for air on the same old freaking hamster wheel of one day after another after another...

I realized a while ago that I was teetering on the edge of burnout and I realized a while ago that I was on this hamster wheel but I had no idea how to get off.

I wondered how one manages to be in the now, to appreciate all that is, while also not getting complacent, while also growing and challenging one's self.

Earlier this week, I was getting ready to buy a book about 5 year plans.

Like most hamster wheel addicts, I assumed I needed a bigger wheel...a wheel that was headed Somewhere and for that I needed a MAP.

And then yesterday something clicked.

Now it seems like I learned something in a moment of time when I have been thinking/reading/writing/praying about this for many weeks so the moment was really just the culminating Ah-HA!

I realized that I was murdering my Passion with Obligation.

I realized that I was about to go back into the Land of Depression and Anxiety but this time it would APPEAR to be a different life because I would be dancing! OF COURSE I WAS HAPPY! DON'T YOU SEE ME DANCING!?!?!

Have you seen the movie The Red Shoes because that was about to be me.

I realized that the most important thing I could possibly do in this life would be to dance because I had to. Period.

I will dance because I dance. I will dance with no attachment to the outcome of my action.

I will teach because it is part of my passion to share that passion with others but I will LET GO.

I will LET GO of the desire for some elusive (never attainable...there's always more to want) success.

Five year plans?

We don't even know if we have five minutes much less five years.

Presumptuous and ignorant. Ignorant because the forward thinking thing? It blinds us to the precious shining diamond of this Very Moment.

Now I will live dance to dance.

Step to step.  Turn to turn.  Leap to leap.

This does not preclude things from happening or things moving forward but it does mean that my focus is on my feet, right where they are.