Monday, August 12, 2013

Life Almost Beat Me Down...but Then It Didn't...



The 11 day dance sadhana is nearing its end and I cannot get over how amazing and transformative it has been.

I knew this work was going to surprise people; I knew it would transform them but what I didn't think about was how the whole experience would do the same for ME.

It has opened me up in about a hundred ways, but the main one happened just a couple of days ago, when I realized that I was STILL holding my True Self in captivity.

I have had a fear, my whole life, of being too much to the point that people would reject me...because I, like so many women and girls, was so often beaten down for what was called my "too much-ness" right to my face.

You know...

The young girls in my class who mockingly called me "Barbie" because I enjoyed dressing up in a million ways.

The boyfriend who was embarrassed by the same thing so I gave in and started dressing like everyone else.


The kids who laughed at me during an audition because I sounded "too real." (I got the lead, so bite me.)

The girls (so often the girls...) who called me conceited because they thought I carried myself too well, with too much pride.

The other young dancers who would tell me I "showed off" when I was simply having fun.

The young woman who said to my face that I was "too smart to be that pretty." (I don't even have a clue what that means.)

(None of this is even touching on the stuff that went on at home...)

A lot of my life was spent in this process of peeling off the "too much" and shrinking myself.

Fast forward many years later...

Marcy, since the day she met me, has been trying, oh so gently, to show me my Big Self, to convince me that it's okay to let her back out, to convince me, actually, that it's NECESSARY TO MY SURVIVAL to let her out.

Yes, it is THAT serious that we be our True Selves.

"If you bring forth what is within you,
what you bring forth shall save you;
if you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
--Gnostic Gospel of Thomas

Amen.

Now to the present moment...or the moment a few days ago...

You know how suddenly a bunch of pieces of your puzzle come together and then you can finally SEE THE PICTURE?

That's what happened.

All these pieces were in my hands and I could see (thanks to the sadhana) where they belonged and then VOILA! The picture revealed itself anew!

And I saw that I was still not living my full BIG truth.

BOOM!

I saw that I have still been working from this place of Fear of Rejection because of so much nasty rejection in the past.

I KNOW now that those people were reacting to me out of their own insecurity. But a 6 year old and even a 21 year old does not really get that. How can they?

I'll say this again because it's super important: I was/am still functioning from a place of fear.

NO MORE.

There are people for whom my ways, my voice, my very self will not work. SO WHAT?! That is why there are many teachers and many ways.

Don't like me? Whatevs.

Because now? I LIKE ME.

THIS IS ME.

Take it or leave it. BUT DO NOT tell me it's MY fault that you're leaving it.

No more of that bullshit is allowed in my space.

Take responsibility for your own actions and your own reactions.

There are people in this world for whom my ways are THE ways that they need.

And first among them is me.