Thursday, January 2, 2014

Changing My Mind: And Accepting My Mind



Standing on the beach and taking photos of the lake's horizon, it can be difficult NOT to get the rock formations in the shot as seen above. In this shot, I appreciated that formation for the cool frosting effect of the snow and the ice dripping off the edges.

When I was little those formations weren't there. They put them in to try to help with the inevitable yearly erosion of our beaches.

Now they are simply part of the reality of our view, though at first they annoyed the hell out of many of us as we were used to an uninterrupted view of this great lake.

This frustration gets in the way of our allowing things to just be. Which is way more comfortable than resistance that leads to anger or resentment or bitterness. Pick your poison.

And so we come to my brain.

I believe there is definitely a balance to find between allowing and growing.

We truly are perfect already, but as I wrote on Facebook today, we are also perfectly designed for growth and evolution.

This is to say that my efforts to change my mind are neither futile or wasted or doomed.

No efforts to grow and evolve are ever futile, wasted, or doomed.

All efforts like this are part of life and living. They are part of the experience. Directing our energy is a good thing.

But...

There are limits.

There are set factors.

A fish is a fish and really cannot learn to ride a bicycle, for example.

Resisting these set factors is one more way to deep unhappiness.

Here's the complication: what if one of those set factors is cyclical depression?

Is that something to accept?  Isn't that giving into deep unhappiness in and of itself?

Or is resisting the cycle the true deep unhappiness?

For various reasons, including my aspie mind which cannot be "cured" and which I would not want to have "cured" because it is beautiful in a million ways...for various reasons including my base coding, depression comes and goes in my life.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

Dancing has SAVED me.

Neither of those things becomes untrue in light of the cycles of depression.

The cycles are just as frequent, I think, as they have ever been, but the depression is not as deep and dark. Not by a long shot.

But it's still there.

The other night Marcy and I were talking about my struggles with things like setting goals, and she said to me, "I think you have to decide that you have these down cycles and then just allow them to be rather than thinking you will ever just completely get rid of them."

At first I was stunned that she said this and it made me sad that she did.

But almost as quickly, I was ready to hear what she was actually saying.

Accept myself.

My depression is no longer life-threatening. I CAN just ride these waves. I CAN just keep doing what I know is best for me even when I am not "feeling" it, knowing that those things that are best for me eventually get me safely to shore.

This is my life.

And it's okay.


If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.