Friday, January 24, 2014
Changing My Mind: Update -- Shit Happens but You Have to Keep Going
(This is part of a series of posts about Changing My Mind.)
I've had some exceptionally difficult days this week so all of my patterns are just OFF.
Like completely TURNED OFF. Not doing. Skipping. Resisting.
I've been teaching, of course, but no more than that.
I gave myself some time off from chanting, my own movement practice, my reading, all of it, because my mind just felt too full of heavy, and I needed to let that just be.
I had to watch, of course, for old stories about being lazy and worthless. They came up. Inevitably.
The heaviness of my mind came from a death this week. A death that triggered all sorts of thoughts about my early life, about how people sometimes simply do not change, about the human capacity to choose cruelty with intention, about aging and how so many stay embedded in sick systems because of fear of aging alone, and of course, my own fears about aging alone (which was a ton of STORY, for sure).
Today this changes. Back to it.
Here's the thing about brain: It CAN get so mired in depression that its DO THINGS muscle gets turned off. On a neurological level. Depression may not be chemical to start -- very likely there is a tangible reason for your depression -- but not dealing with that reason, not making changes to heal that reason right at the start eventually DOES lead to depression being chemical.
And then you're really in trouble. Because no matter how much you know this or that action would help, you really just CANNOT.
So I gave myself a couple of days off but NO MORE.
No matter how painful it feels, no matter the resistance feeling like quick sand, at this point, I am still in charge of this mind.
If I go more than a couple of days, neurological deficits start to take over. I know this now.
This is part of the mindfulness practice, right? Knowing our own limits. Knowing when we must let off a bit and knowing, especially, when it really is in our best interest to PUSH.