|An old dream board I found in Blisschick archives|
The middle of the night is not meant for thinking.
The middle of the night, in the dark, the house quiet -- it's where fear and worry live, under the bed, waiting for your sleepy vulnerability to attack.
At least, that's my experience.
By 4 AM, I was 100% convinced that I simply had to quit everything I am doing, because regardless of how good I am at it or how much it's needed, it's not working. It all sucks. No one is interested. I am a complete failure. Time to get a "real job" and stop pissing around with all this "dream job" crap.
By 5 AM, I was even in the planning stages of the Quitting. How long until my lease was up, what websites to shut down, what kind of job I should look for...
It was quite ridiculous and yet it felt completely real and painful.
In the light of day, of course, I can see that it was ridiculous, because even if things aren't going the way I THINK they should, they are moving along.
And? Regardless of worldly success or failure, I have no choice. I am living this dharma that was given to me to live. Or that was born in me. Or that I discovered. Whatever way you like to look at it.
This work is a calling. I am called.
I DO have free will so I CAN quit.
But at my own peril.
This work, regardless of the middle of the night fears, is what brings me peace and joy.
Without this work, I am a different, sad, dejected, unfulfilled human slogging through another day to get to the weekend.
Now THAT is something to fear.