Friday, March 28, 2014

Middle of the Night Fearapalooza

An old dream board I found in Blisschick archives
The other night I woke at about 3 AM, a typical time for me, but this time I could not fall asleep even with all my trusty tricks, and that's when brain decided to cause some real trouble.

The middle of the night is not meant for thinking.

The middle of the night, in the dark, the house quiet -- it's where fear and worry live, under the bed, waiting for your sleepy vulnerability to attack.

At least, that's my experience.

By 4 AM, I was 100% convinced that I simply had to quit everything I am doing, because regardless of how good I am at it or how much it's needed, it's not working. It all sucks. No one is interested. I am a complete failure. Time to get a "real job" and stop pissing around with all this "dream job" crap.

100% convinced.

By 5 AM, I was even in the planning stages of the Quitting. How long until my lease was up, what websites to shut down, what kind of job I should look for...

It was quite ridiculous and yet it felt completely real and painful.

In the light of day, of course, I can see that it was ridiculous, because even if things aren't going the way I THINK they should, they are moving along.

And? Regardless of worldly success or failure, I have no choice. I am living this dharma that was given to me to live. Or that was born in me. Or that I discovered. Whatever way you like to look at it.

This work is a calling. I am called.

I DO have free will so I CAN quit.

But at my own peril.

This work, regardless of the middle of the night fears, is what brings me peace and joy.

Without this work, I am a different, sad, dejected, unfulfilled human slogging through another day to get to the weekend.

Now THAT is something to fear.
If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.