I've mentioned before that I'm in this big learning curve right now. BIG. I feel like I'm getting to some truly foundational stuff.
It's hard and frustrating but necessary and I know worth it.
I've gotten to these things before, but this time it feels different. Emphasis on the word feel.
Before I would get to these issues but on an intellectual level. I would "know" the issues. I could talk about them. But I wasn't feeling them in my body.
Thanks to my dance practice, I think, I'm now able to feel the issues and their effects.
Here's my current big one: I finally can FEEL that I am constantly under pressure.
I am constantly under pressure to do more, be more, be "someone," do "something."
I am lucky enough to know what my passions are in life.
By the time I was in second grade, I was "producing" and writing and staring in my own plays.
I had been singing and dancing for myself and for the joy of it for years before this.
I would soon find my love of drawing.
But inevitably, my love of these things would be discovered and my teachers would be questioned, "Is she 'good enough' to be ____"
Or I would be placed in a class, with the expectation of "results." At the age of 11, I was put in an art class with advanced adults and then chastised for not loving it enough and for not making progress. I quit.
Everything had to have a reason, a purpose, a giant freaking end goal.
And now I can see how much I have perpetuated this in my own adult life.
I love to write, so I force myself to write with publication in mind.
I love to dance, and so here I am, at the point where it feels like drudgery, like something I "have to do or else."
And the internal pressure...when I tap into it and take notice, I feel like I am pretty much always on the edge of popping.
Which means that there is no pleasure, no fun, no joy.
Which I believe is pretty much the reason we're here: to find the thing that gives us so much joy that it feeds us and then the spillover feeds others.
I am starving. There is no spillover.
As I've just really discovered these feelings, I have no idea what the hell to do about them. I have no idea how to get back to the "just doing for joy's sake" baseline of my little self. The self who sang and danced and made up songs just for herself; the self who wrote plays because it felt like fun.
Inside there is a bit of a battle between my deep feelings that I have wonderful things to share, this deep deep DESIRE to share on a big level, and then that part of me that only seems to know how to turn everything into obligation, that turns everything I love into desperate grasping.
I have no idea what's next with this.
If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.