Friday, July 18, 2014

Aspies in Relationship



When I was about 8 (2nd grade), I remember sitting on a back porch that hovered in the air, as the back of the row house was on a steep hill. I could see far. Things were not good in the house behind me and I was already feeling overwhelmed and sad.

Then I looked off in the distance, and there was my best friend, Karen, which made my heart feel a ping of happy, but she was...playing with someone else, which made my heart sink.

This hurt me deeply and baffled me because we were best friends, which meant that we only played with each other.

You are perhaps giggling but I was quite serious.

And I still am.

Now looking back, I know this was the brain of a young Aspie at work, and it's classic Aspie. One friend. One best friend and no other.

We don't get the friend thing that easily and more than one...overkill.

The other part of this is our brain's love of special interests. We find something we're interested in and we LASER FOCUS.

The stereotype of this is the little boy who loves bugs.

But it can be anything AND it can be anyONE.

So now at 45, I find myself finally learning some things that most humans just kinda naturally get at the age of 8 (or close to that).

Marcy (poor thing) has been my main Special Interest for many years. I wouldn't say for our whole 20 years together because for much of that my own depression and healing from it was my Special Interest.

Yet for those 20 years, we've been functioning in a way that appeases my "rules" about relationship. 

Including insulating ourselves to an unhealthy degree from other relationships because that made me so very uncomfortable.

For the past few years, I've been learning (and wow! this has been uber painful for this aspie) that Marcy can have other...friends.

Over the last year or so, I've even been trying (a little) to cultivate my own friendships. Though it's hard because I get super confused about my role as teacher and who is a student and when does that become friendships. (See? Aspies...we don't intuit this stuff; we have to THINK it. Very tiring.)

And in the last year or two, Marcy has helped me to see how much I RELISH my time alone, sending me on retreats all by myself.

I had no idea how much I love not having to talk to another human and not having to think about what they might want to eat or just any of the day to day interaction stuff.

As we've been uncovering my own Aspie-ness and its needs, Marcy has finally been able to identify her own needs, too.

Twenty years in...

So we're making some really big giant changes around here. And that Aspie part of me that was so sad about Karen? She still feels sad about the changes; she has a tendency to see rejection everywhere.

But the real Aspie me? The one who finally knows herself? The one who loves retreats and wants more time for spiritual practices? The one who needs to make HERSELF her own special interest for once (in healthy ways)? The one who needs to refocus on dance and poetry?

She is super excited about this Big Adventure we're about to embark upon and I think it will be rather inspiring to others...

You can now learn how to teach dance as a spiritual practice! My first teacher training is coming at the end of September! Just visit the "Teacher Training" tab at the top of this page.

If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.