Monday, September 15, 2014

Lost in Space

My new parlor with two crazy animals
My house.

When I'm talking to Marcy, I still say "our house," but it's my house. She is now fully in HER house. Right next door.

And after just under two weeks, my space is pretty settled. There are always a million projects, right? But for the most part, the cats and one rabbit and I are settled.  The at-home studio on the first floor is cleared and cleaned and just awaiting some finishing touches that won't come until I am ready to transition from my not-at-home studio.

Settled.

Physically. But not really on any other level.

Struggling with getting settled would be more accurate emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

Everything just feels...off.

I feel all at once too busy and not busy enough.

Too busy with house projects and running back and forth between houses and figuring out day to day logistics.

And then not busy enough with meaningful work or study because I feel so distracted by having all this space and time and quiet in my life.

Which I've always said I wanted.

There is an edge to this that I could read one of two ways and I am vacillating between the reading, feeling a bit untethered, disconnected from my familiar moorings. The reading of this edge is vital to my experience because one reading could lead to despair and the other would most definitely lead to fulfillment.

So what's the problem?! Just read the positive one, you're thinking.

The edge is the razor thin dividing line between the spaces of loneliness and alone.

I am a bit lost in all this space I have now, for sure, but I could far too easily read that as loneliness, which can only eventually lead to sadness. Loneliness...which seems to me is born of thinking that one's identity, one's very sense of self, one's concrete feeling of place in this world comes from someone else or many someone elses, rather than from where it actually comes from -- inside.

It takes a lot of patience and deep awareness to see this as healthy aloneness. Healthy aloneness...born of inner freedom and the knowledge that we are already whole, that we need nothing and no one to justify our unique and beautiful existence, that just being in this body and in this now is enough in and of itself, that there is plenty to explore right here. This is the space from which the fruits of creativity and wisdom could blossom.

As I walk this edge between these two spaces, feeling my way into the healthier space, I am trying not to cover up the pain of it with lists of things to do or more activity or more socializing than this mind and heart can take. It would be easy to do so.

Instead I sit with cats and rabbit and self and a bit of Merton:

When I speak of the contemplative life I do not mean the institutional cloistered life, the organized life of prayer. I am talking about a special dimension of inner discipline and experience, a certain integrity and fullness of personal development, which are not compatible with a purely external, alienated, busy-busy existence. This does not mean that they are incompatible with action, with creative work, with dedicated love. On the contrary, these all go together. A certain depth of disciplined experience is a necessary ground for fruitful action. Without a more profound human understanding derived from exploration of the inner ground of human existence, love will tend to be superficial and deceptive. Traditionally, the ideas of prayer, meditation, and contemplation have been associated with this deepening of one's personal life and this expansion of the capacity to understand and serve others.
You can now learn how to teach dance as a spiritual practice! My first teacher training is coming at the end of September! Just visit the "Teacher Training" tab at the top of this page.

If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.