Monday, September 8, 2014

My Inner Landscape is Not for Your Hiking


We can never really know the mind and heart of another, and that is the way it should be.

And yet, I think there is a deeply embedded and "romantic" cultural myth that if you find the "right" person, you will become "one."

That is a deeply embedded culture myth that happens to be psychologically unhealthy, just to start.

This deeply embedded myth is especially difficult to extricate from your own personal myth system if you were raised in any kind of abusive or neglectful household.

One of the marks of an abusive household is the enmeshment that happens between the children and parents. Someone's needs weren't met or they likely would not have become an abuser and those unmet needs are then looking to be fulfilled by a wrong source -- people outside of themselves, including the children.

On top of that little mess, an abusive household depends on maintaining a closed system from the outside world (or people might figure out what is going on), AND at the same time, within the system itself there is usually zero privacy as the abusers try to control everything everyone does and thinks.

Voila! Just the right mix of dependence on others for needs being met and no privacy.

But in a healthy relationship, each individual is meeting their own needs. Then as a WHOLE individuated and realized human, they can bring something real to the relationship -- the potential for each individual to grow emotionally and spiritually.

In a healthy relationship, each individual feels autonomous, like they have physical AND mental space that is JUST THEIRS.

And thus the title of this piece: My inner landscape is mine for exploring by ME. And yours is for you. We might share bits of this inner landscape with people we trust and love, but it's not for them to take or demand.

This has taken me 45 years to really learn.

I was raised to believe that love was ownership, that love is a consuming of the other and a being consumed.

And then? We happen to live in a wider culture that reflects those sick beliefs right back to us.

Love is not ownership or consuming of any kind.

Love is space and time and patience and freedom.

Love does not demand anything. Love allows.

Love is life force, and when it is flowing and not contained or controlled, it is the very stuff that makes each of us the best us.

But we must -- we must -- let go.

You can now learn how to teach dance as a spiritual practice! My first teacher training is coming at the end of September! Just visit the "Teacher Training" tab at the top of this page.

If you want to explore more deeply how to create an at-home dance sadhana (spiritual path) practice, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.