|One of my sitting spots|
A friend asked me recently how the whole transition happened over the summer from when I thought my whole life was blowing up to now.
I tried to answer, but I realized later that I hadn't really...because the question had felt so surprising, I mean, how do you explain inner growth...and because the night when I thought the world had ended felt like forever ago and felt rather unreal.
Because it WAS unreal. The world had not ended. This has nothing to do with outcomes but with perspective, which I got me a big dose of over the weeks following that night.
Let me first say that I think this switch inside of me was able to happen because I have been doing the spiritual and emotional work for so long (and especially intensely over the last six years) and that laid the groundwork that was necessary for a rather...relatively speaking...smooth transition.
And though I could have had residual trauma left in my body, I didn't. Because dance. I never stopped. I danced for hours the very next day.
What was the switch, the growth?
I gave up.
It was the most important and conscious decision I have ever made in my life. No exaggeration. And the fruits of it just keep dropping ripe off that tree.
When you're raised in an environment that doesn't feel safe, you tend to grow up a bit...controlling. Of course, there are billions of control freaks in the world and they become like that all for unique reasons, but that was mine.
I thought I could control everything. I thought I could make everything just so. I thought if I tried hard enough that things would be like they were "supposed to be."
So after a few days of being stunned, I just gave all that up.
I stopped trying to make everything look a certain way.
I stopped trying to guess what other people were thinking and then adjust my own actions accordingly.
I just freaking gave up and ALLOWED.
I opened to whatever was coming. I decided that life was NOT scary but rather full of possibility and that if I let go of that DEATH GRIP I was holding on with then I might actually be surprised by what could come my way.
And...wow...surprised times one thousand. I can't tell you how much I love this life. It FITS. Because I didn't FORCE it. I didn't grease up my legs to fit into a life that made me unable to breathe.
Part of the giving up process was also deeply questioning my own ideas about myself, ripping open the boxes I had put parts of myself in, and just listening to my deepest voice. She was a bit hoarse because I had been ignoring her but once I started listening...she was so clear that things were going to be just right if I just let them.
I have lived my whole life with a chronic dull anxiety. I have been on alert for the next thing that I need to take care of. I have been exhausted by myself.
There is an ease and inner freedom now that I did not know could exist.
There is JOY where there used to be angst.
There is play where there used to be fear.
So just give up already. You have no idea what awaits you.
If you want to get a taste of how we create more happy, strength, and connection through the practice of Kintsugi Dance, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.