Monday, November 24, 2014

Curiosity Killed the Depression


By mid day Saturday I could feel my energy changing for the better, and by Sunday, it had definitely switched to lighter. My mind was curious again. My body ready for some movement.

This sabbatical thing is harder than it looked from the outside. It seemed like a lovely vacation sort of idea during which I would spend lots of time feeling uber creative, digging deep into books and ideas, and dancing up a storm.

HAHAHAHA...

It has been three weeks since my trip to Kripalu, which I told myself was my transition time from my busy life to my sabbatical life.

Apparently NOT.

Apparently the last three weeks have been the transition and not an easy one.

So here I am.

Trying NOT to try too hard because I think that's what got me into this whole mess to begin with.

Right after Kripalu, I took a few days to rest, but then I immediately created this crazy full daily schedule. I made it one day and then took a nose dive into a bit of a depression.

Depression is not just being tired. I get bouts of that like anyone. This is very different.

And a bit scary.

I used to live in this land so even a visit now freaks me out, makes me feel like "well...here we go...I'll never be happy again..."

That is the voice of depression trying to convince you that it's permanent. And it's not.

Thankfully I have the voice of Marcy reminding me of that very fact every single day.

She reminds me that this is what my brain does. I have these down times -- times when I have NO curiosity whatsoever, which is my Big Red Flag because curiosity is my life blood. It's my driving force.

When I felt curious yesterday, I knew everything was going to be okay.

I felt curious enough to visit the lake. Mostly I just stood and listened to her.

I felt curious enough yesterday to watch this great docu-drama bout Van Gogh and feel connected to his experience without feeling like I was being dragged back under.  (That link will take you to the whole movie for free on YouTube.)

I also felt curious enough to get the idea for a Japanese style floor-desk for my library. I am in the process of making this happen and will share soon about the finished product. I don't have a computer in the library so I will only write with pen, paper, and manual typewriter when I'm in that space. I'm super excited about that!

And today my curiosity continues. I took a walk this morning in this lovely bit of warm weather at the cemetery. I had another encounter with the coyote there. Later I will begin reading this and whatever else captures my attention from my piles and piles of "to read."

I will also take care. This is a precarious moment -- the coming up for air, the noticing of light, the breathing deeply that happens after living in the shadows.




If you want to get a taste of how we create more happy, strength, and connection through the practice of Kintsugi Dance, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.