Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...Go away!

Sabbatical. Oy. I'm on it.

And it's super freaking hard. Unexpectedly hard. What the HELL do I do with all this time!?

Part of the point, of course, is to be in that discomfort and see what bubbles up.

Part of the point is to explore options, to mull over ideas, to see what I really want to be doing rather than just running from one obligation to the next.

Last week I focused on rest, because I had just returned from a super awesome but extra intense learning experience at Kripalu. And right before that I had just closed my studio and finished up a ton of other transitions.

This has been the Year of Transitions, for sure, and I hadn't really taken any time to integrate them.

So, you know, I thought, well, how about I give it a week. HA!

By the end of that week, I could feel the craving for a schedule, a routine.

Is this a real need, a healthy need, or as they say in psychotherapy, a pseudo-solution?

I think it's possible that it's all of those things all at once.

On Sunday, I sat down and wrote out a day to day, hour to hour sort of schedule for myself.

Monday was okay. Big time resistance, but I finished everything on my list. I obeyed my schedule.

That was that. I didn't do so on Tuesday and I know I won't today because I have a couple of appointments and that always throws everything off. (Yes. I can be like a little old lady, thank you for noticing.)

I'm getting to my point here really soon... I promise...

On Monday, one of the things I did was finally -- FINALLY -- dance in my home studio space. (See above photo.)

I know this will take some adjusting. It's smaller than the studio studio, of course, including regular ceilings. You don't realize how much space-i-ness those high ceilings make you feel until you don't have them.

But my home studio also does not have the mirrors I am used to working with. I left them behind. I now have two tiny mirrors.

It totally freaked me out!

I work WITH mirrors. I look to see what I am up to, to make adjustments. They are a tool.

BUT...they also can be a means of judgment. Usually for me, they aren't. Right now? They totally are.

When I finished a very unsatisfactory session on Monday, I made plans to go purchase a good sized mirror. I knew where to go even.

On Tuesday I decided not to go out of pure laziness but it gave me time to think.

I realized I am using the mirrors right now to beat myself up. To notice this or that that is "wrong" with my body. To see that this or that in my movement is not "enough" of whatever.

It finally hit me that I needed to push myself further on this sabbatical and one way to do so was to turn the mirrors to the wall.

No mirrors for at least the month of November.

Dancing with my elders on Tuesday (one of two classes I am still teaching), I noticed for the first time that the Year of Transitions has left me slightly OUT of my body. I'm not feeling very connected. I am feeling like I am floating just a couple of inches out.

This is not good. This is me depressed.

I need to do some drastically different things to pop myself back in, to coax myself back into feeling and being fully embodied.

No mirrors is one of those things.

And I have some other experiments I'll be running that I will eventually share.

If you want to get a taste of how we create more happy, strength, and connection through the practice of Kintsugi Dance, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.