Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Many Splendid Gifts of a Near Death Experience

I got so many great shots when I was away at Kripalu this time. Bear with me.
If you've been reading me for a while, you've probably read something about my near death experience when I was about six. You can read about the experience here.

As I have integrated and come to understand the experience, the main thing I have always taken from it is this knowing that there is MORE beyond us. And that it's perfect and beautiful and nothing but peaceful. There is no describing what I felt in those few micro-seconds when my lungs filled with water.

It's a story that I tell over and over. I live with this story. It's that important to me. And I think I live BECAUSE of this story. It gifted me with...superpowers that I needed in the coming years. Superpowers that I still need, that are still evolving, that I think are about to leap to new levels in terms of supporting how I work and exist in this world. (That's a feeling I have right now. I'm not even sure what that means.)

Recently I told this story to a psychotherapist at the somatic psychology workshop that I attended a couple of weeks ago. She was asking me about my history and became intrigued and wondered how I had done so well considering.

Of course the near death experience came up because I credit it with my survival. Or more accurately, my eventual thriving.

She found new things in this story that I had never noticed, and then I brought those new things home to Marcy and SHE found something even more vital -- probably the most important bit ever.

The psychotherapist was fascinated by my ability at that age to decide to NOT TELL anyone what had happened, and of course, this then began my inclination to hide what was important to me. As a coping mechanism, this was brilliant.

She was also worried that I left my rage in that pool. Rage about not being truly taken care of. I can own some of that but I think the rage I left in that pool (and I would have never thought of this without her) was rage over my energy being stolen.

Because everything was about managing the crazy that was going on around me and defending myself from it, I shut down some vital parts of myself and I am STILL to this day trying to get those back. I'm 45 years old. I would like my energy back, please. ((asshats)) There is some rage, of course, about the extra layers of work that I have to fight through just to get to my basic level of functioning. And there is rage over unmet potential.

I am working on all of that on my sabbatical.

But here's the best stuff of all that Marcy figured out:

When I was almost drowning and getting that glimpse of the Infinite, my little mind, my sweet soul learned the difference between my Higher Self and my Lower Self. I became aware of that split. It's like I instantaneously developed the capacity for Witness Mind, which has been vital to my life ever since.

I learned that I could split myself in a way that was not disassociation but was actually helpful. I could stay present to whatever awful thing was happening and just allow that to wash over me, while at the same time, I would be watching it and have a running commentary in my young brain about how fucked up it was or how it was NOT ME.

Those are some serious skills!

AND I learned that the Higher Self is always just right there...just an inch to the left...just out of the corner of our eye...

The point being that I learned that the Higher Self is accessible.

And so my whole entire life, THE THING THAT SAVED ME, was this REACHING.

Marcy said, "You are ALWAYS REACHING for that Higher Self. It drives everything you do. It has kept you going."

Yep. Precisely.

No matter how many times I fell down or got pushed down or found myself back down the hole of depression, I LOOKED UP. I REACHED.

I KEPT TRYING.

I am not, it turns out, stubborn. I am CONVINCED.

And not just for myself. I am also convinced for ALL. OF. YOU.

If you want to get a taste of how we create more happy, strength, and connection through the practice of Kintsugi Dance, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.