Monday, December 8, 2014

Push Versus Flow

Beautiful and FREEZING day at the lake
 I definitely thought that by this point in my sabbatical time that I would suddenly have gotten ANSWERS.

You know...that I would wake up one morning and just know exactly what I was supposed to do next. And how. And all of the details would come in a gorgeous glitter flood of awesome.


I am silly, aren't I?

Instead I've been working backwards. Rather than questions leading to any answers, they lead to more questions, and the questions keep getting more basic to my personality, my way of being in the world in general.

But I also resist those general sorts of questions and keep trying to drag it all back to "what work should I do now?"

That's when Marcy and I had beer date this week.

And for the one millionth time, I heard myself saying to her, "But I fear not living up to my potential! I am going to get to the end of my life and feel like I never did what I was capable of doing!"

Those declarations are usually yelled around the idea of making money. I, for some reason, as the majority of our culture, sees money making as some sort of indicator that I am on the right track with my work. (I know... le sigh...)

I still tie my self worth to product: How much money did I make? How many people did I teach? How many pages did I write? Etc.

And Marcy just wants me to learn to BE ME, to follow my passions, to create without pressure.

(Which is this weird sort of pressure, right?)

Eventually, somehow, we got to this point in our conversation where she told me I had two choices.

First, I could get up every morning and strictly follow a to-do list and have Big Plans mapped out and just keep pushing, pushing, pushing until my goals were met. That works for a lot of people. I'm sure it even energizes a lot of people.

Me? I think I just threw up while I was typing that.

OR she said, second, I can learn to go with MY FLOW. Get up in the morning with choices. Decide based on how my brain is functioning that day and where my energy is.

Which also makes me want to throw up.

The first choice makes me sick because it goes against my very nature, I kinda yelled to her, "SURE! That'll last a few days and then I'll just LOSE IT!"  (We've been there many times.)

It also goes against my aspie brain, which grabs onto a special interest for a while and then jumps to another and then to another and there is no telling how long the interest lasts or when the next jump will come. The positive part of this is that eventually all those interests kinda compost into bits and pieces that then sprout into something totally new.

The second choice makes me sick because it goes against the whole "MORE BETTER BIGGER FASTER" that I have obviously bought into.

I think how could I ever GET ANYWHERE if I go with the FREAKING FLOW?!?!

But here's the final answer: You can't be someone you're not.

So the real choice is do I resist myself or do I sink into who I am and just go?

Resistance is futile, sure, but I'm well practiced at it and letting go...not so well practiced at that bit.

If you want to get a taste of how we create more happy, strength, and connection through the practice of Kintsugi Dance, you could join my super secret Facebook group, Inferno of Awesome. This group is invisible until you're added. FIRST, make sure you are my friend on FB, and SECOND, ask me to add you.